To Love a Lie
by Chrissy Sky
Summary: Zelgadis finds a powerful illusion spell that enables him to disguise his appearance, and Xellos finds himself strangely saddened. Will be YAOI.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** To Love a Lie

**Authors:** Chrissy Sky and Rose Thorne

**Pairings:** Xellos/Zelgadis

**Summary:** Zelgadis finds a powerful illusion spell that enables him to disguise his appearance, and Xellos finds himself strangely saddened. **Will be YAOI.**

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

**Notes: **Terra hasn't seen the whole series, but I was whining about Zel and she pointed out something that, in retrospect, is kinda obvious. One of Zel's main complaints is how strangers treat him because of his appearance. So why doesn't he just use a spell that'll give the illusion of his human self? Like Naruto's girl jutsu that's semi real. It's not his cure, but it could be a temporary solution. I mentioned it to Rose, and suddenly we have a fic.

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It had taken months for Zelgadis to translate the old runes in the worn, ragged book. Lina had handed it to him, declaring it useless. What he'd found had been intriguing. While it didn't contain his cure—nothing, it seemed, ever did—it did have bits and pieces of a powerful illusion spell. From the sound of it, the illusion was semi-real, and had been used to mask disfiguring injuries. If it wasn't a sham, he would pass as human even to the touch.

The very concept was thrilling after so long with no hope of ever being anything but an outcast. He had spent a significant amount of time gathering the materials and researching to ensure nothing went wrong. The spell had to be cast under a full moon, and while Zelgadis was relatively certain that he didn't have to be shirtless like the spell called for—on occasion, less scrupulous sorcerers added instructions like that for less than honorable reasons—he didn't want to take any chances.

After all, he didn't want it to make him look even _worse_.

Eventually Zelgadis was ready to try it. He separated from his friends and found an isolated location to perform the spell. He chose a small hollow, well away from the road, protected on three sides from the wind by boulders and trees. Once the first ceremony was complete, he would be able to reactivate the illusion spell at anytime by simply reciting the chaos words.

As he prepared the materials, he felt a profound sense of relief. He wouldn't be a freak anymore, at least not in they eyes of others. He'd still need to find a cure, of course—he wasn't going to give up on that, even with this new spell—but now even if he didn't find it, he could live without being vilified just because he looked like a monster. When he finished preparing, forming a pentagram in the dirt with diamond dust under the moonlight and placing the other items where they needed to be, he ran the spell through his mind again to make sure he had it completely memorized. The whole process felt almost like a cleansing ritual, and he took a deep breath as he surveyed his handiwork one last time.

Then he stepped into the pentagram and said the words. The cleansing feeling increased with every word, though physically he felt no change. Mentally, Zelgadis formed a picture in his mind of what he had looked like as a boy, only older, imagining himself as _normal_. He carefully wove the image into the spell with his magic.

He could feel with his Astral senses as the illusion took shape, changing his outward appearance. But before it was finished, he also felt something else on the edges of his senses. Mazoku. _Xellos_. He tried not to lose his concentration; after all, he'd have to gather the materials all over again and it had been expensive enough the first time.

Zelgadis ignored the irritating presence and continued on, thinking that the Mazoku had no reason to stop him. The ritual in no way interfered in whatever plans he could have. Somehow, Zel knew that Xellos wouldn't try to stop him. He was probably only around for a good laugh.

Unfortunately, that thought made him doubt the spell and it partially unraveled. He mustered his willpower and rewove it, then completed the spell, but it left him more exhausted than he should have been. Damn that Mazoku!

His legs gave out and Zelgadis crumpled to his knees, panting for breath. He began to imagine all the ways he could torture Xellos—it helped him feel better, but only a little. Raising his head was difficult, but he managed it in order to see his reflection in the mirror nearby.

He looked... human, normal, for the first time in years, and he felt so relieved he had to fight back tears. The spell had worked, and all that was left to do was decide on chaos words.

Xellos had remained in the shadows until he was finished. Zelgadis jumped when a light blanket was placed over his bare shoulders.

He glanced up at the Mazoku, confused. Xellos' face was unreadable, and Zel was far too exhausted to figure out what he wanted. While he had initially planned to drag himself to an inn, he didn't have the strength to even get to his feet, and sleep was already pulling at him.

"Sleep," Xellos said softly, pressing a cool hand to Zelgadis' forehead.

The word was imbued with power, and Zelgadis wasn't able to resist. He felt himself fall forward, but he was asleep before he hit the ground.

Xellos caught the human easily and, with a tenderness that would probably embarrass him later, carried Zelgadis to his gear, pulling out a thin sleeping mat and laying him on top of it. He kept him covered with the blanket and stood watching him for a long time, studying the human's face as Zelgadis felt it should have been. The blue hair looked soft and the pale skin was fair, unblemished. He was handsome, but in a normal way.

He was disappointed, and rather surprised at the feeling. Xellos had felt the building of Zelgadis' magical energy and had been intrigued enough to investigate, but he had not anticipated this. He had known that Zelgadis may eventually find a cure even without the Claire Bible, but he had not expected that he would hide himself with illusions, let alone ones so potent that they nearly tricked Xellos' senses. The chimera felt lighter, his skin soft. He had stopped being Zelgadis and become just another human.

And Xellos did not like it one bit.

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TBC. Reviews are loved!

A big thanks to Chrislea for beta-reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** To Love a Lie

**Authors:** Chrissy Sky and Rose Thorne

**Pairings:** Xellos/Zelgadis

**Summary:** Zelgadis finds a powerful illusion spell that enables him to disguise his appearance, and Xellos finds himself strangely saddened. **Will be YAOI.**

**Disclaimer:** Still do not own.

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_Chapter Two_

Zelgadis woke up several hours later. Frowning, he sat up and looked around. He saw the remnants of the ceremony and remembered what had happened before he'd passed out. Afraid that the illusion had worn off, he quickly looked at the mirror and breathed a relieved sigh. His human appearance reflected back at him.

He was again filled with an elation so profound that he nearly forgot that Xellos had been nearby, had covered him with a blanket. And given that he was no longer in the pentagram, the Mazoku had also moved him. None of those actions made any sense whatsoever. He glanced around, but didn't see Xellos.

Shrugging mentally, Zelgadis wrapped the blanket around himself and went to the mirror to get a better look. Xellos didn't get bored easily, so if he was intent on disturbing him, he'd return.

Staring back at him were human eyes, the demonic gaze masked. Where they had been impenetrable, crystalline, he could see his own surprise in those eyes, and when he slowly smiled, he could see happiness. His features were much as they had been, his skin smooth without the stones that had been imbedded in it. He had actual eyebrows instead of a mockery composed of embedded stone.

His hair looked like normal hair, and he was slightly disappointed that he felt the resistance of wire when he touched it, and that his sense of touch was still dulled by his stone skin. He could feel the grooves between the stones around his eyes and at his chin, as well. Either the illusion wasn't as complete as he had hoped or it didn't work on one's own senses. For that he would need something more powerful than an illusion; he would need a cure.

But for now, he at least _looked_ normal.

"This is beneath you," said a familiar, disembodied voice.

At first, Zel was startled, then angry. "Like you have room to judge."

Xellos appeared beside him in a burst of sparkle and evil energy. "That's neither here nor there. You're beyond something this superficial."

"Says someone who's never had to live in the real world." Zelgadis glared. Trust Xellos, who could appear completely human and manipulate his appearance however he wished—even turning himself into a meowing rabbit—to have the gall to call him superficial. "I want to be _normal_."

"What's normal?" Xellos waved a careless hand. "It's all about how one perceives the world around them."

Zel rolled his eyes. "The philosophy of Mazoku doesn't apply to real life. I want to be anonymous, not a walking freak show."

Xellos' frustration began to show. "You're not _meant_ to be. Your difference is a part of you! It makes you who you are."

"It's not a part of me. It's a part of Rezzo's stupid games. He's dead, and I just want to go back to being me." Zelgadis took a deep breath to bring his temper back under his control. "Why the hell is it any of your business?"

Xellos frowned and ignored the question. "This won't make you truly happy. It's only a fabrication, albeit a very good one."

Zelgadis found himself laughing. He couldn't help it; Xellos' words were just too absurd. "Right, because _you_, of all people, know and care what makes me happy."

"I _don't_ care," Xellos responded.

That was exactly the point; Xellos didn't care. He was, in fact, incapable of caring, which made his position even more unreasonable.

Zel took a deep breath and sighed. "Then what, exactly, are you so worked up about?"

The priest folded his arms and looked away. "I'm not worked up."

"Could've fooled me. You were practically yelling a second ago, and now you're taking a defensive posture." Zelgadis shook his head. "You'd think with your experience you'd know how to suppress human gestures, too."

Xellos' grip on his staff tightened. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and frightening. "You won't be happy like_ this_ because it's just a lie. You're not supposed to be like this." He spat the last words as if 'this' were something vile.

Even as the Mazoku's anger frightened him a bit, Zelgadis found himself slightly elated that he'd managed to irritated Xellos so much. The tables had turned, for the moment, and the opportunity to annoy Xellos for once made him stand his ground.

"Since when do you know what makes me happy?" Xellos didn't seem inclined to answer that, and Zelgadis wasn't about to let him, anyway. "Xellos, I'm not fooling myself into thinking _this_ is a permanent solution. I still need a cure." He deliberately pronounced the word with the same emphasis.

"You _don't_! You're far more powerful the way you are now. Think of all the times you've been able to save your friends through your abilities. There have been countless circumstances just in the time I've known you. Before, you were just a mediocre swordsman and once you're cured that's all you'll be again."

All of the amusement drained from Zel. "And how," he asked, his voice low and angry, "do you know what I was before?" Xellos looked a bit surprised and opened his mouth, but Zelgadis shook his head. "Forget it. I don't even want to know. I want to be _human_ again. If that means losing power, fine. This wasn't what I wanted when I asked Rezzo for power. It was stupid to try to find a shortcut."

Zelgadis turned away, back to his bag to search for a shirt. There was no sense in staying here. When he found one and pulled it on, he packed up quickly and turned to find Xellos studying him, frowning.

"You don't care. You never have. So do us both a favor and stop pretending you do." Zelgadis shouldered his pack and turned toward the faint trail that led to the road.

When he glanced back, Xellos was gone.

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TBC. Thanks again to Chrislea for beta-reading! Review if you feel so inclined. ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** To Love a Lie

**Authors:** Chrissy Sky and Rose Thorne

**Pairings:** Xellos/Zelgadis

**Summary:** Zelgadis finds a powerful illusion spell that enables him to disguise his appearance, and Xellos finds himself strangely saddened. **Will be YAOI.**

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

**Notes: **Sorry it took so long. We got caught up in Aqualord.

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_Chapter Three_

The forest was thick, the entire valley heavily wooded. Even if it wasn't dark, the trees would have blocked the sunlight. The shaman was starting to regret having been so paranoid and doing his spellcasting so far from town. He was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a nice bed and sleep, but he was still in the wilderness.

Zelgadis wasn't too terribly surprised when he rounded a bend in the path a few miles from the nearest town to find Xellos waiting for him, perched on the low-hanging bough of a tree. The Mazoku had a tendency to be dogged when he wanted to be, and given his odd reaction to the illusion spell, this seemed to be one of those times.

He couldn't repress an annoyed sigh when Xellos jumped from the tree nimbly and fell in step beside him.

"What, are you stalking me instead of Lina now?" he muttered. He hoped that if he was rude enough—dropped enough hints that his opinion wasn't welcome—the Mazoku would buzz off again before he got to town, but there really was no telling with Xellos.

"It was foolish of you to seek a shortcut," Xellos said, ignoring his comment. "While it may not have been your intention, it has become who you are, no matter how much you deny it."

Zel's irritation flared. Xellos seemed determined to continue his argument, and he really didn't want to listen to it. He intended to go to an inn, enjoy a nice dinner without having to hide, without being viewed with suspicion and dealing with stares, and get a room that didn't have a monster fee tacked on. He wanted to be able to enjoy appearing human for the first time in years, not be lectured.

"It is _not_ who I am. The amount of power I have or don't have has nothing to do with who I am!"

"It doesn't simply make you powerful, but..." Xellos paused, searching for a word. "Exotic."

Zelgadis kept walking, refusing to look at him, trying not to lose his temper. Of all the adjectives that had been used to describe him, this was probably the one that offended him the most. It was probably in part because it was a Mazoku saying it, but the word itself angered him as well. He'd heard it said about him in Femille—which had only made that whole experience worse—and it was the kind of thing people said about something to be kept and viewed like an oddity. He didn't want to be a chimera, and he didn't want to hear someone like Xellos trying to spin his appearance as a positive thing.

"Exotic is just a more polite way of saying freak," the shaman finally said, trying not to grind his teeth.

Xellos twitched. "Don't put words into my mouth."

Zelgadis stopped in his tracks and scowled at him. "I don't want to be 'exotic,' you idiot. I just want to be me again."

"You already are you. You shouldn't have to change yourself just to get the acceptance of people who don't even know you."

"I'm changing _back_. If I happen to feel that I need to undo what Rezzo did to me, then that's _my_ business, not yours."

Xellos' eyes opened. He looked irritated. "You'd go back to being a dull, stupid human? You should seek acceptance from people who will judge your heart, not your body. It shouldn't matter."

"And what about what I want?" Zel asked after a moment, his voice soft. "I don't want to be like this. I never did."

Xellos tapped his staff on the ground, hard. The noise resounded in the trees, echoing as though they were in a contained space. "But you are. You need to accept it."

"Not if I can help it." Xellos glared outright at his answer. Zel studied him for a moment. The priest's anger was unreasonable. "For the life of me, I can't figure out if you're angry about an illusion or that I want to be cured. Why are you so bothered by this?"

"Because I like you the way you are!"

Zel flinched at the force of those words, practically roared. Then he frowned as their meaning hit him. "What?"

Xellos seemed startled by his own words, and didn't answer, looking away.

"You _what_?" He couldn't even begin to interpret what Xellos was trying to say. The Mazoku liked his appearance? _Why_?

"I…" Xellos trailed off, looking uncertain. He gripped his staff with both hands as though he really needed it to support himself.

This only irritated Zelgadis more. "Let me see if I understand. You're saying that people shouldn't judge me based on how I look. But also that you like my appearance—as if your taste wasn't questionable before—and I'd be dull and stupid if I changed it? That's a little hypocritical."

Xellos frowned, his face reddening slightly. "I cannot explain it."

Zelgadis just shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "I don't even know why I try to understand you sometimes."

He certainly wasn't going to waste any more time trying. He started hiking again, fully intending to ignore Xellos, but the dark presence followed.

"You finding a cure has always been an abstract idea before." Xellos' voice was soft, tentative. "But tonight, I learned how it would feel if you did find one. It shouldn't matter to me, but… somehow, it does. If you become human, you'll stop being you. I feel that for certain."

Zelgadis sighed. Getting Xellos to drop it didn't seem to be in the cards. "I still don't see why that bothers you. Why does who I am or what I look like matter to you? It's not like I'm anything but a pawn in whatever game the Beastmaster happens to be playing."

"That would imply that I only care about my master's plans. Is it that surprising that I care about other things?"

"Yes. Specifically, it's surprising that you care about this."

Zelgadis had been careful to stay away from Xellos, especially after his true nature was revealed, and the Mazoku had generally done the same, latching onto Lina. He hadn't thought that Xellos even considered him anything beyond a companion of Lina's who was occasionally useful, but the fact that he seemed so troubled over this illusion implied otherwise.

"It's… surprising to me as well." The priest truly did sound confused with himself. "You and the others… have always been different to me. I suppose I've just become accustomed to those differences."

Zelgadis stopped again. "That makes it sound like you actually care about us somehow."

Xellos blinked wide eyes at him. "I... I suppose that I do on some level."

"But… you're not supposed to." This was mostly a guess, but as he watched the shadows play across Xellos' face, both real and emotional, he realized just how true that must be.

"Indeed." Xellos bowed his head, letting the shadows hide his expression entirely. "Admitting it should feel like a weakness, but it doesn't. It's odd… I can't explain the way you all make me feel. Lina-san, Gourry-san, Amelia-san, and… you."

Zelgadis looked away, more than a little unsettled. He couldn't accept the implications of those words, that pause, the tone of Xellos' voice when he'd whispered 'you' as barely a breath.

"Why would it matter if I were human?" he asked, instead concentrating on the argument. "The others all are."

Xellos shook his head. "I told you, I can't explain it. I just know it would feel wrong to me."

"How I am now feels wrong to _me_."

"But you're perfect the way you are!"

Zel pushed one hand through hair that appeared to be hair but felt like wire to him, frustrated. "I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be."

Slowly, Xellos reached out to touch Zelgadis' hair as well. The chimera held perfectly still, startled by the action.

"I think… I would be very sad, if your body was truly this soft and fragile." He laughed softly and it sounded strained. "Nothing has made me feel sad in a long time. It's strange."

Zelgadis was confused by his words for a moment before he realized with an elated jolt that the illusion was fooling Xellos' senses, that he was feeling real hair instead of wire. It was little wonder that the Mazoku was so troubled. He'd been thrown off balance.

"It shouldn't bother you. It's not your body," he eventually said.

Xellos only smiled. "Hm. My body isn't nearly so interesting."

Zelgadis moved away from Xellos' hand. The Mazoku had done it again. First exotic, now interesting.

"That's the problem," he whispered. "I'm tired of being 'interesting.' Someone who wants to be interesting can have it."

Xellos blinked at him, almost thoughtful. His arm remained outstretched. "Somehow, I don't think your body would be as interesting without you in it…"

"Then why does what my body looks like matter to you?"

"Because…" Xellos shifted closer, one finger touching Zel's cheek pale, stoneless cheek. "…You feel vulnerable like this. Yes, maybe that's it."

The chimera's eyes widened at the touch, and he flinched away. The sensation was dulled as it usually was, but it made him distinctly uncomfortable; no one had touched him like that since Rezzo, and that was an unwelcome memory. "Why does that matter?"

Xellos blinked and lowered his hand. "I don't know. It just does."

Zelgadis looked away, bitter. Xellos' touch had reminded him of more than just Rezzo's pretense of caring. "It's an illusion. With my luck, it'll never become a reality. I'll always be an invulnerable, untouchable, unfeeling rock."

Xellos frowned and poked him again, this time in the arm. "You can feel that, can't you?"

"Somewhat. Ever since Rezzo changed me, it's like my sense of touch is muted," he said softly, startled that the Mazoku had latched onto that one word. The illusion might bother Xellos, but this entire conversation had Zelgadis off-balance, and he didn't like it. "I can't feel the breeze on my face, rainfall, or differences in temperature unless they're extreme."

Xellos' frown deepened. He leaned his staff against a tree and reached out with both hands, sticking them underneath Zel's shirt before the shaman could react. His fingers danced along the sorcerer's skin, an attempt at tickling.

"And this?"

Zelgadis shoved his hands away and put some distance between them, flushing. He tightened his belt so the Mazoku couldn't do it again. "Fine, turn it into a joke. This is why I don't listen to you."

Xellos looked surprised. "I'm not joking! I meant no offense, Zelgadis-san, and I apologize. I only wanted to see the extent of your sensitivity."

The chimera folded his arms over his chest, incredibly discomfited with the brief exposure even though the illusion helped him appear human, and even more perturbed by Xellos' insistence on touching him—a touch that was becoming increasingly invasive.

He sighed softly. "Not enough for it to matter," he said. "The illusion can't mask reality from me."

"Hm…" Xellos titled his head thoughtfully. "It's strangely like mine. This is only a projection, after all." He waved at his body, covered in priestly robes.

"You're not trapped in it," Zelgadis pointed out. Xellos didn't even have to _exist_ on this plane. Even though he was far too tired to want to have any sort of conversation, he was relieved that the Mazoku had gone back to the argument he'd started instead of continuing to touch him.

"In a way… But I can't exactly walk around in public in my real form."

Zelgadis shrugged and started to walk toward town again. "Because of my body, I can't walk around in public without being considered a monster. So I'm using an illusion, just like you are."

Xellos nodded, this new perspective seeming to calm him somewhat. "Then I suppose it's not the illusion itself that I have a problem with."

"So what do you have a problem with?"

"I told you, I like you the way you are," the priest said softly, ducking his head so that his bangs shielded half of his face from view.

The shaman stopped, studying him for a moment. The conversation was, again, straying into territory that made him uneasy. He didn't understand why Xellos was so insistent about this.

"I don't see why."

Xellos sighed. "I wish you could see how beautiful you are…"

Zelgadis stiffened and flushed, and was too flustered to speak at first. Those words, combined with the touches and looks that had preceded them, were troubling. Xellos was toying with him, and in a way that he hadn't expected. He wished he was in town, or with Lina, somewhere where he wouldn't bother him. But he knew that if the priest was really as determined as he seemed to be, nothing would dissuade him.

"You're an idiot," he finally murmured, but he couldn't summon force behind the words. He couldn't look at the Mazoku.

"Not many would insult me so lightly, you know," Xellos said mildly. He didn't sound insulted though, which unfortunately seemed to mean that he wasn't going to drop the matter and leave Zel alone. "Your body, your soul, your heart… They all make up who you are. It's… disturbing to imagine you differently. You are beautiful."

Zelgadis felt frozen, pinned by his gaze. There was no way Xellos was telling the truth, not with this, not with his Mazoku nature, and just hearing him say what he knew wasn't true hurt. He stared at the ground for several seconds before he finally looked Xellos in the eyes.

"What, exactly, do you want? What are you playing at?" he asked slowly. Zelgadis forced the illusion away, revealing his pebbled stone skin and wire hair, the hideous inhuman visage that he hated. "_This_ is not beautiful."

Xellos' frown returned again. "You don't believe me."

"It's a lie," he hissed.

"I don't lie," the Mazoku countered. "I may run, hide, and evade the truth, but I've never lied."

"That wasn't truth."

"How can I make you believe me, then? Ask anything of me and I'll prove it."

Zelgadis just shook his head. He didn't feel like playing mind games—not now or ever. He started moving again, faster than before. The shaman knew he couldn't walk fast enough to leave Xellos behind, but he was determined to try anyway.

But Xellos pressed on, continuing to follow him. "Think about it logically, Zelgadis-san. What could I possibly gain from trying to trick you? If my master sent me, I would be off cajoling Lina-san, not you."

Zelgadis ignored him, not interested in hearing any more, and tried to concentrate on something else. He realized that he needed to bring the illusion back up before he reached town, or he'd deal with the suspicion he was trying to avoid. He took a deep breath and considered what word he should use to activate the illusion again. He ran through several in his mind before coming to the right one—one that would piss Xellos off enough for him to leave, he hoped.

He stared right at the priest when he said it. "_Truth_."

He felt the illusion pop back up, his skin masked beneath what should have been reality. Zel smirked triumphantly at the taken aback look on Xellos' face, confident that the Mazoku would finally leave him alone.

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TBC. Reviews are loved.


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